desireah

I'm filing paperwork tomorrow!!! So excited!

My back hurts today for some reason.......... All well, it's probably the way I slept..

Looked up plane tickets..... just a hundred bucks to get to Milwaukee.. and then.. 130 for going back to huntsville.. well, nashville/bham.. either one..

Oops.. Just totally hit the wrong button.. posted to early..

I go back to work tomorrow night.. After my 4 day weekend.... i cannot wait to get back to making money. I blew to much money while I was off. But I still got 225 for my divorce and I found a place what I can make two payments to.. 157 a piece.. which works for me for sure.. and the paper work gets filed immediately. nice..

.......... haha.. I wanna watch Johnny Dangerously right now!

Off to watch the storm that hopefully is coming thru.

So,................. Here I am again.

A few updates on the life of Desi...

1) I'm sitting at 200 bucks for this divorce.. should have the other hundred by the end of the week, including rent and utilities. Money is getting easier to come by..... Kinda.

2) my poor, sweet doggie George passed away over the weekend. I wish I would've been there.. But at least I got to say good-bye and didn't have to watch him suffer.

3) Um.... I have a boyfriend. And he's super fab!

4) I can't believe I have a boyfriend.

That last post was horrid! I'm better now, btw.. I'm not making as much money at work as I need to be, but I'm surviving.

I would like to have a boyfriend.. or someone to cuddle with at least. It'd be nice..

Roommate situation: Still got Stephanie... now I've also got Samantha.. and.... drum roll please. my mom. yep. she moved in with me. But when she moves out in 3 months we'll be moving another girl Ashley in...

Bleh bleh bleh.. Things are fine... nothing to report.

I need a change. I need a change in a good way. something to distract me from Jason's loosing the kidney.. From the monotony of life. From prying roommates that can't understand there are days that I don't want to talk.

I want to go away.. I think I'm going to cancel the party tomorrow. I just don't want to deal with it.

I'll just get drunk on my own, in my room... And write.. A lot. That's what I need to do.. Get it out.

Back to my hole.

I miss all my friends in huntsville very badly.

I'm very happy out here.

Jason is going back on dialysis. He's officially loosing the kidney. It's done. and so are any hopes of us getting back together.

I'm taking cash donations for my divorce. I want it NOW.

I went on a date with a very sexy, polite man.. Don't know whats going to happen with that.

And, I'm off to work.

I am thinking of all of you.

I love the cilantro jalapano hummus from pita jungle. LOVE.

I'm totally on the verge of exhaustion. Emotionally, mentally, and mostly, physically.. But I'm very happy about it. Everything is going so well here... I'm thinking I'm going to take a nap........

Yes... that sounds awesome.....

Carry on...

I need some good comfort food. and a cigerrette.. but no alcohol today or smoking... bleh bleh bleh. And I did my taxes so now I'm pissy... and I'm stuck at my house cuz my car is broken.

So, much better mood today. i'm not worrying about it at all. Nope, whatever happens, happens. I'm not much into leaving things in Fate's hands, but I can only control myself. Let's see what happens eh?

I'm off to work, just got to get my contacts in, teeth re-brushed, and dishes washed and I'm outta here. Going to be positive, it's going to be busy and I'm going to make hundreds of dollars!

I'm also feeling very much so in a pirate mood. It's the best I've felt since I've been back in the AZ.. The sun is shining.. It's perfect temperature.. I feel good.. I'm in a good mood! Going to drive to work with all the windows down. To bad my sunroof is broken.

I wanna be on a boat...

It's 85 degrees and sunny and absolutely beautiful here in Phoenix, AZ.

Glad to be out of AL.

*pointing and laughing in Alabama's general direction*

I was totally ready to be all sappy and shit, but now I'm happy. Ha ha ha.

I'm so tired of letting myself get caught up in the same old stupid shit. Why are we so willing, not just me, but people in general - in the ideal of love.

Okay, I act like a tough ass... But in the end, I do believe in a little romance... 'It will work out, love will prevail!' But in my head I know love is an emotional that one person can feel without knowing truly how the other feels. Love is based on trust.. It's the most dangerous of all emotions. People do CRAZY things because of 'love'.

Anyway, I've got some leads on some bad-ass houses out here.. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, POOL (that I can use almost all year round *rubbing salt in the wounds*) and since I got me my girls to room with, it's going to be on.

I'm super excited about us getting our house. 4 girls might be a little dramatic, but we are all at the same point in our lives. We all need to get out of our current living situations.. and we're all good friends, without being 'best' friends ya know. It's going to save us all a lot of money as well.

Anyway, I'm going to go cut some hair.. drive around with the windows down.

First of all, take this test. it's awesome.

I scored an 80.39 did it in 528 secs 41/51 Avg error 31 miles

I'm so stupid. When I went back to the south I hung out with Jason.. Stupid stupid stupid. Of course, all the emotions and such came out. Well, we hooked up. It was like when we first fell in love. He hasn't called me since I've been back. I've called him twice. Why the fuck did I think this time would be different? Honestly, I knew better.. but he gave me this great spill about how he wants to be with me.. how he wants to move out here. He's just like every other jack ass man. Only after sex.

I need a couple of good one night stands or something... I need something to distract me from this bullshit.

Last night I went out with my girl friends after work... We ended up inviting this guy from the bar to go to another bar with us. At first, he acts all into me. And he's cute.... But then... he's all into my other friend and I got dropped into the buddy zone. ARGH! All well, it's not a big deal, but it does frequently happen.

Anyway, I just needed to vent for a second.

Work is starting to pick up a little. The Padres and Mariners have their spring training facility across the street from us so as the pre-season progresses it will get even busier. God knows I need the money.

I need to go cook supper before I go to work... I close tonight, so I'm crossing my fingers for a good shift.

So, since I've been here, I've been bad. Really bad. Been hanging out to late.. drinking to much... hanging out with Jason.... eeeeeeerrrrggh. Yep, you read it right. Everything's fine though. No weird freak outs.. Being happy. I miss Arizona and my peeps there. All well..


Tonight, I'm going to the hockey game with Boston.. and he's going to make plans to come to the AZ to visit me! I'm excited!

I'm gonna talk to my dad for a bit..

Just saw Jason. Weird. Weird. Weird!

Hrm. Weird.

Taking a shower now.. then rugbbys tonight!

I spoke to quick about the boy thing. He's sweet.. but I'm not sure what's going on with that. Is the honeymoon phase over so quickly??? A week apart will be a good indication.

I just want to state, I am exhausted. I'm horribly anxious.. And I'm procrastinating. I have to get my car cleaned, clothes washed... Pack, clean my room and house.. Plus! I want to get to the book store to find a read for the plane ride tomorrow.. AND! I'd like to buy some new jeans.. Mine are all holey and not in good areas. Damnit.

But, I plan on being in tomorrow 1 or 3.. then, I'm going to surprise my dad, he has no clue I'm coming home! hahaha! Chill with the folks, then I'm going to go to Rugbbys tomorrow night around 930... that's the only plan I have for my trip home.............

I'm playing with the idea of coming home early since we're throwing Nicole a surprise part on Friday... Then, I can just come home on Monday... We'll see. I'm just not really all that into going home right now. I want to surprise my dad, see everyone and then...come back here. Back to sanity.

..... well, off to stop procrastinating.

I'm in a good mood.. I just wish my belly was.. to much cheap vodka last night...

I'll be back in the AL on Tuesday... It's got me for 8 days then I'm back here to paradise.

So, for all my bitching and moaning about boys.. hrm. Yep, I found one. yay me! No one back home really knows yet, I mean it's fresh and new and sweet. Just like I like it. He's really nice, a lot like me.. A little bit... more chill, which is nice for when I get all neurotic.

In general, things here are going super well. It's a little slow at work, but Spring Training is about to kick off... We have the Padres and the Mariners right across the street, which means, good money and also $1 games to go see some hot guys run around on a field. ..... and an excuse to drink cheap cold beer in the sunshine. mmmm....

I'm supposed to fax this paper work to Jason, but alas, my fax isn't working either. damn HP all in one printers. I guess I'll just have to snail mail, but it'll get there in a day or two I'm sure.

Bleh. I have been talking to him a little.. which is depressing because I'm so happy and he's obviously not. He's not making any attempts to get another job, but he's still on dialysis so that's his reasoning. I'm not fully convinced he's out of the woods with that shit, but whatever.

That's one thing really nice about this new guy Paul. He actually really understands, he just got out of a 5 year relationship with a girl he was going to marry. We've actually been single about the same amount of time.. So we can talk to each other about the past relationships and totally understand.

Did I mention Paul is hot? Yep, he is. Eye candy is the sweetest kind. It's nothing super serious, I'm planning on being in Ireland late September for 2 weeks, then saving and probably by January of next year, move to Northern California. I did learn my lessons already dealing with plans and boys. Stay on track.. Focus on your goals and work hard. Don't let anyone interfere or else, you'll loose your own soul.

I need to go to the library. I'm in a reading kind of mood.

Just talked to Jason

He and the kidney are fine. I of course, cried again. Happy tears.... He'll be in the hospital for awhile... Just till the therapy is done and his levels are even.. It's 30% scarred, which I don't think affect the effectiveness of the kidney.. I don't know. I'm a little confused on it's long term effects...

... So... Now I'm still all teary and weepy.. WTF. I blame my period. Damn uterus making me more emotional than normal. I was just really scared for him. Going back onto dialysis fulltime would suck... and just being sick again. ugh. I'm glad he's going to be okay.

Well, off to the pub.

This is my safe place to vent online.. My myspace and facebook are overwhelmingly read by friends of friends.. and Jason and Jason's friends...

Jason is in the hospital in Birmingham. Apparently he's been sick for a month, had severe pain in his kidney a few days ago and went to Huntsville Hospital. They sent him to UAB because his kidney is failing/rejecting, something of the sorts. We've been texting back and forth since because well, it's the kidney I gave him.

It's been making me think about a lot of thinks that have happened in my life that I don't talk about much.

I still love Jason very much. I would do almost anything to be with him again, if I felt that we could work it out. but this is a prime example of why we can't be together. I gave him a kidney and all he had to do was limit him alcohol intake, take his fucking pills, and drink water. He can't even do that. Everything I did was nothing. It's almost like his doesn't care. I think sometimes that he wishes he'd had stayed dead when he lost his original kidneys. He doesn't seem to cherish life. Or maybe he just feels that life is owed to him. I'm tired of psycho-analyzing him and his motives. None-the-less, it causes me pain. I know it's not my fault. I don't feel guilt over it, but my leaving him has compounded the issues he already had. I miss him too. But I can't fix our problems. I couldn't fix him. He has to do that. But I still do get upset about it. I cry. I grieve for him. I feel that it's a terrible waste of someone who is so talented, loving, smart, and just an amazing person, and he just doesn't care.

It reminds me of Clay. After talking to Todd a few months ago.. I guess I do believe Clay killed himself. I know he had wanted to several times. I miss him so much.....

I tend to think about both of their mothers.. Clays mom lost both her sons to suicide. Jason's mom, Paula, is basically watching Jason self-destruct... It's a terrible situation.

I was looking through the scrap book my girls made for me when I got married of the bachelorette party and just randomness... Jason wrote me the most beautiful letter.. There are so many pictures of us happy. I never thought we would end up this way. Him, laying in a hospital bed hundreds of miles away from me. Me, sitting here alone. I don't want him to go through this, especially without me by his side, but it's no longer my responsibility. It's not my job..

I'm excited every day that I'm here in Arizona. I do love it here. I have good friends who are quickly becoming great friends. I love the weather, the atmosphere. I don't want to stay here forever, but I feel that this is the right place for me. I'm happy.

I wonder if I'm ready to move on emotionally. Especially when situations like this arise and it affects me so deeply. I know what I want out of my life and those around me, more now than ever. I'm less prone to accept excuses, lies, and laziness out of the people around me. I want to live and be happy and I expect the same from others that I surround myself with.

I do feel that I have unusually high expections out of people, especially men, but why not expect from others what I expect out of myself? If I hold myself to those standards, why do I no deserve them in return.

I feel that I don't owe anyone to lower those said standards. I'm awesome, if you haven't noticed, and I don't need you to agree with me. It'd be nice if you said so, but I already know you think so too. haha.

Well, that was a very broad blog. Started out kinda sad, but in the end... I'm always good now. I end up with my feet on the ground, my head in the clouds.. I make it okay..

Off to get ready to run some errands... Gotta take a friend to the airport.. I'm like a freakin' taxi cab lately.. He does pay me though.. 20 bucks for 30 minutes on the road. It's worth it. heh.

I'm so excited! i'm going to go to the Fiesta Bowl this afternoon!! I'm so excited to see my Buckeyes! now all I gotta do is later on this year find a way to see my Packers play.. and see my boyfriend (Brett Farve) play with the Jets.. then, I'll have my sports section of my top 100 things to do before I die completely done.

Count down till Rocky arrives.. T minus 10 days and counting. It's going to be amazing! I'm so excited that he's coming.. I go home in less than a month for 10 days.. then! Sarah and Amber will be out here for a few days in March.

All well, off to make myself hot for this football game.

Christmas is gone. Thank God. I'm not big into it. I'm going to buy my cousins a wii remote next week for their xmas present.. that way they can play together... If I can find a couple open boxed at Best Buy that'd be rad.. Two for the price of one or something... I haven't been electronic shopping in forever. Going to stay home a couple of days from drink so I can afford it. wow. Now that's a christmas miracle.

I've been chillin out here for 2 months now. I'm so happy and it's so amazing.. BUT! I do miss my friends back home. I don't really miss Alabama, but I miss my people. Rocky is coming to visit in 19 days, then I'll be back in 6 weeks for 8 days.. then! Sarah and Anna Maria are coming for visit in March! I'm excited! After that I'll be back in the south in October for Rose's wedding.. It's nice to be able to go home frequently... And see my beautiful friends...

I'm a bout to take the dog for a walk to get rid of some of this pent up energy. I felt like shit the last few days.. and am starting to feel back to normal... Just a little cold.. Nothing like the sick I got back home. It's amazing that changing locales can not only amplify my mood, but my physical well-being! I know a lot of it does have to do with my mentality...... I'll take it either way.

One thing I've realized since I've been here, men are the same everywhere. They all have man-ginas on the inside. Hard to read, complicated, sensitive, and overly emotional. Plus, I haven't found one yet that I can have a grown-up conversation. It's all well and good to talk about trivial things, I spend a lot of time doing that... but I want to talk about books, philosophy.. I want to be taught different perspectives.

Anyway.. off to do some stuff........